Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
