I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
