The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
