sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
