Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
