I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
