Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Randomize
