she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
