I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
