Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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