I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
