every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
