margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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