So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
