new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
