my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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