OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
