Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
