you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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