woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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