when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
