I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
