I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
