i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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