hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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