I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
