My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
