We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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