If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
