I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
