She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
