So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
