last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
