Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
