I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
