Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
