she woke up with a sticky ear
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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