My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I love you.
Bad choice
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
