Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
