you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
