Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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