I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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