someone threw a dead crab at me
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
