Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
