Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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