that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
