I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
My balls are so social today.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
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