Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
