I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
