my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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